Overindulgence in today’s families

Source: Carole Gnatuk, Senior Extension Specialist for

Child Development, University of Kentucky;

College of Agriculture, Food and Environment

As the calendar creeps closer to the winter holidays, it is worth asking the following questions:

Isn’t it good to give children what they want, when they want it?

Won’t they love us more if we do that?

The surprising answer to both of those questions is “not necessarily.” When adults give children too much of what they want, the adults are trying to meet their own needs, not those of the children. As a result, children may become spoiled. They come to expect toys and privileges handed to them immediately. They learn that they do not have to work to earn the privileges. They only have to throw a tantrum and adults will give in to their demands. Older children, as they grow, tend to overspend, overeat and be irresponsible. This pattern of behavior is called overindulgence.

Overindulgence patterns begin early in life and can last into adulthood, according to David Bredehoft, Ph.D. Bredehoft has conducted research on this topic for many years. He sees three types of overindulgence:

Too much (too many clothes, toys, lessons, etc.)

Over-nurture (doing for children what they should do for themselves)

Soft structure (not being firm and consistent about family rules, chores and limits to behavior)

What can parents, grandparents and relatives do to change the patterns of overindulgence? After all, adults give because they have good hearts and love their children. They just go overboard in expressing that love. Here are a few tips:

Be aware of and admit the overindulgence. Commit to doing things differently.

Ask four questions when facing a situation where you might overindulge:

Does it keep the child from becoming more self-reliant?

Does it use too many family resources for one child?

Does it benefit the adult, more than the child?

Does it do harm to others or to the earth?

Work on one problem area at a time.

Forgive yourself for parenting mistakes.

Ask for help and support, such as joining a parenting group.

As parents, changing patterns of overindulgence can be done and done well. Changing takes time and firm resolve. A family meeting to explain how life will change would be helpful. There may be resistance from the children when they bump up against new limits. However, the changes are important investments in the future of your family and children.

More information on parenting and holiday shopping is available at the Clinton County office of the UK Cooperative Extension Service.

Educational programs of the Cooperative Extension Service serve all people regardless of race, color, sex, religion, disability or national origin.

Homemakers Christmas Village December 5

The Homemakers Annual Christmas Village will be held on Friday, December 5th at the Learning Center from 5:00-7:30 p.m. Participants ages 3-12 will be allowed to purchase up to six gifts for family members. Most items cost $5 or less. Homemaker elves will shop with the children so that gifts will be a true surprise when opened. Story time, singing, and simple crafts will be available. Santa will be there so bring your camera for those special holiday photos!

Community donations of handmade gift items, gift bags, tissue paper, name tags, tape, etc. are welcome. Volunteers are appreciated as well. For more information, contact the Extension Office at 387-5404.