I want to write about something called “Doubt”. This is likely the most self-destructive five letter word this addict knows. Almost everyone who has ever known me is likely full of doubt about me. I can’t blame them! Look at all they have seen and endured because of my mind set and actions. Look at the community where I live.

Look at all the people I have met on the roads as I was driving even a little bit high! Look at all those I have endangered over the years! Look at all the innocent little children I put in harm’s way every time I got behind the wheel high.

I was so blind of the dangers I was involving others in every time I drove under any influence, which by the way, was most of the time. If it wasn’t Crystal Meth, it was Opana, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Methadone, Morphine, Xanax or some other form of benzodiazepines. More often than not it was a combination of two or more of these substances. So, I completely understand folks having extreme doubts about the ability I have to change the person I had been for so long. I, myself have doubts about it.

There is something very different this time, however. This time Christ himself is guiding me on this journey. I am only here because of Him. Now, I have chosen to surrender completely to His will for my life. In doing this I am happier than I have ever been. I am at peace with the person I am becoming and the addict I will always be.

At least I know Christ doesn’t doubt me or my ability to change because it is He who has blessed me with this amazing ability in the first place. He is giving me all I need to become the person he created me to be.

Doubt has destroyed other’s faith in me. It has destroyed my faith in myself. As an actively using addict I couldn’t see all I was doing to others. I couldn’t see all I was doing to myself. In reality, I didn’t want to see it. I knew I was a failure. I knew I had let everyone down including myself.

The truth is, though, out of all those I had let down, it was letting down myself that hurt the most. I never once wanted to become an addict. My self-expectations were much higher than others’ expectations of me. I wanted to do something great in life. I wanted to be this great person folks could look up to. Someone they could be proud of knowing. I wanted to be great for my community, friends and loved ones. When I became addicted to drugs it didn’t take long to see that all my expectations were shot.

I started seeing others doubt me. I then started doubting myself. My addiction started me down a path of doubt; doubt led me on a path of destruction. I gave up on myself! I even gave up on God being real. I started asking questions.

I couldn’t understand, if God were real, why did he allow me to live like this? Why does he make it so difficult to stop using? Why am I even here? Why do I have to be so sick every time I try to quit? I would even ask the question, why can’t I just die and stop hurting everyone?

I couldn’t commit suicide; I have never wanted to do that! Sure, I did want to die many times, just not by my own hand. I would wish so often for something to happen to end my life. I would often cry out to God, begging him to go ahead and take my life and end everyone’s hurt. Especially mine!

Many people often look at us addicts and think, well, there goes a lost cause, or there goes a big waste. I know a lot of what people think of us. We have put you through a lot. I understand your suffering also.

I ask those of you who don’t have this disease of addiction to please try and understand something. Neither I nor any other addict I know used the first time thinking we were going to end up like this. We wouldn’t wish this on anyone, even our worst enemies! And we sure aren’t enjoying the fact that in the active using phase of addiction we can’t get out of bed or even function without putting in our bodies the drug our minds are dependent on. We aren’t enjoying the fact that we can’t even leave the bathroom area of our homes for weeks at a time if we don’t have the drug our bodies need in active addiction. It truly is Miserable!

The most powerful thing you can do is pray. Pray for the addict, but also, pray for yourselves. Earnestly pray that Christ will deliver the addict from using. Pray that He will deliver you, the families and loved ones of the addicts, from the consequences and sufferings that we as addicts put you through. Pray for complete freedom and family deliverance of addiction. Then really believe that God is going to do something great for each of your families. If you pray, then honestly believe in His power, then you might want to go ahead and start squinting those eyes because you are about to see something beautifully spectacular happen.

An addict, a child of God, a Christian,

Phillip Lee