Looking back, I have a lot of bad memories of where my addiction has taken me. I try to think of good times, yet can only place every good memory into times when I was living clean and sober. I have good memories of before I started using also; there are nice memories of things that took place during my abstinence from using. I can not think of one great moment that took place during the times I was using drugs.

I know it’s a mind thing. I also know that my mind is far from being completely cured, far from even being straightened out to any degree. It will likely never be as it once was. Seventeen years has taken its toll. Seems like every time I take one step forward, two steps are taken back. So I have to concentrate and work hard constantly to move ahead. I had heard the saying, (one step forward, two steps back) my entire life. Now I live the one step, two step idea everyday. It’s very hard to control this addiction. As a matter of fact, I had to entirely turn it over to Christ, because I had lost all control. Christ and His will for my life is the only reason I haven’t had to use today.

Addiction is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. All the problems I’ve ever faced in life combined have been nothing compared to fighting to stay clean and allow my mind time to heal as much as possible and to be reprogrammed. Yes I have Christ with me as I walk this life today. I also have a human nature. Human nature has been from the beginning a sinful nature. Today, Christ is the victor and I am not afraid to praise Him for it. As I said earlier, addiction is a mind thing.

The following is a true story and one of the bad memories from many years ago during my active drug use. After you read it then decide on your own as to whether you believe it is entirely a mind thing. I believe complete faith in Jesus Christ and the desire He can give us to put in the hard work it takes to reprogram our minds is the only sustainable way to lasting peace within ourselves.

Several years ago, a friend and I were sitting around trying to come up with enough money to get what is called an eight-ball of crystal meth. We had been using meth long enough that we weren’t trying to use our own money to buy this drug. We didn’t have money any longer. I can’t speak for this friend, but for me, I no longer had extra money to spend on anything. We had another buddy who lived a couple hours away. This buddy came to visit one day. He was in search of this same drug we were using. He stated that he needed enough to last him through the week. To him, this was an eight-ball. My friend and I were at the point in active drug use to where we would do an eight-ball every day. That was $250.00 a day. Our minds were telling us we had to have that much just to get by and feel normal.

Anyway this buddy, who drove two hours in search of this drug, really needed our help. We really needed his money! This guy was new to this drug and we knew his body wasn’t to the point to where it actually needed meth to merely maintain any kind of normalcy. My friend and I came up with a solution to everyone’s problem. My friend and I went into the kitchen. We mixed up something crazy. It didn’t hurt him at all, it couldn’t hurt him. It wasn’t drugs at all. It might have saved his life. This guy is doing great now. He hasn’t used crystal meth in years.

While we were in the kitchen trying to put together something for this guy, we mixed up peanut butter, powdered sugar, and I think we even put a marshmallow in it. And of course it needed to burn like meth so we did put a touch of paprika in it. Stuck it in the microwave and the rest is history. We thought he would try it out and from then we knew it would be up to his mind as to whether he actually took it or not. After approximately fifteen minutes he gave us the money and said he believed that was pretty good dope. Our minds were blown. It worked! I remember thinking. Just how did something like that even work?

Now we had the money we needed to go buy some real dope and we did just that. And the next morning we were broke again and to start this entire process over again on a daily basis. What crazy tricks our minds played on us and that guy from out of town. He thought he had what he wanted. It gave him a feeling, at least in some small way, of satisfaction. Because he was a fairly new addict ,that tiny mind trick made him feel empowered. His addiction was already pulling him to a more intense feeling of needing more the next weekend.

He had called several times and when he couldn’t reach either of us, he drove another two hours to see if we could come up with anything. When he arrived he simply asks, do we have anymore of that peanut butter dope? He said that was the best dope he had ever done. We didn’t tell him it wasn’t dope. We didn’t have the heart to tell him he was basically taking candy.

I’m so blessed I don’t live that life style any longer. Now, I don’t have to worry about finding my drug of choice. I don’t have to try and manipulate others in anyway. I don’t have to worry about being manipulated by those who are like I was. I don’t have to worry about hurting those I love and who love me. I don’t have to search for peace and calm. I carry peace and calm with me. Through Christ those feelings are there. I am however an addict and because of my past choices in life I actually have to work very hard to access that peace and calm. I have to work hard just to gain a sense of stability. I thank Christ for my life today.

I worked extremely hard, while destroying everything I cared for in the process, just to get and use my choice drug. I did many, many crazy things during my drug use. Now, for all Christ has given me, for His many blessings, I owe it to Him to work my hardest to fulfill his purpose for my life. I owe it to Him to treasure and keep all He has blessed me with.

This crazy life of addiction is a very hard life. Just because you quit using drugs doesn’t mean your life will be great or perfect all of a sudden. You messed great and perfect up when you used that first time.

The only moments of greatness I feel today is when I meditate and pray to Christ Jesus. When I do that, I know peace and calm are coming. I can not stress this enough. If you have never used drugs, I beg you, PLEASE DON’T!!! all of this craziness I write about started with the very first time I used drugs.

An addict, a child of God, a Christian,

Phillip Lee