I would like to say that I remember everything that has gone on in life during the 17 years I was abusing drugs. The truth is, I probably don’t remember the majority of all that went on in life during this time. I was talking to a friend a few days ago. They were telling me that their mother died over nine years ago.

This topic came about because I had asked my friend how their mother was doing. I always thought highly of this lady and the friend I had had since grade school. But you sure couldn’t tell it by my inability to remember his own mother had been gone for nine years. It sure doesn’t seem like I was much of a friend, huh?

Here is another example of things I can’t remember. I was involved in feeding my addiction to the point I would often have to buy many of the drugs I did. I had to. The drugs I was prescribed would often be taken in manners that were definitely not consistent with the labeling or prescribing direction. I would spend all my bill money on more pills or what ever drug I was using at the time. Then time would come to pay the bill or bills and I would be broke.

Needless to say I would sell some of the very drugs I had bought in an attempt to keep the lights and water on, or to get money for other reasons.

One day I had sold three pain pills to someone. This transaction was being recorded by an undercover narcotics investigator. To this day I have no memory of anything that took place on that day, but there was an audio recording. I know it was me on the audio, I could tell that I was out of my head high as well. But it was me!

I can’t say I was always out of my mind every time something like this had gone on, but I was on that day. Had to be. Why else can I not remember anything that took place? As I was being sentenced in court a few months later, the judge told me, Mr. Lee I’m going to sentence you to five years in the state penitentiary. Maybe this will give you time to remember what you have done.

It’s been several years since all of this took place and as of this day I still have no memory of this transaction in which I had gotten caught selling drugs. I had a recording. I have done the time, but not even a millisecond of a memory of the actual event to this very day. Could I have done things far worse than just selling drugs or not realizing my friend was grieving at the loss of his mother during these times? Absolutely! I could have hurt or killed someone and not even been aware of it while I was that high.

I may never know all that happened during those 17 years. There is nothing good that comes out of being high except momentary satisfaction. That satisfaction disappears before long as you are chasing it, causing you to want and need more and causing you to react in ways that are harmful to others and yourself.

I don’t have dementia, amnesia or anything like that. I simply have lack of memory of large periods of time during my life because my drug use was so intense. I was likely blacked out most of these times.

I’m very blessed that God has given me the opportunity to be alive today. I’m blessed that He has seen fit to see me through all the hell I have put others and myself through. I am so blessed to be able to share my experience in addiction with those who will listen or read; in hopes that maybe others can see the types of things that actually can and will happen should they choose to try drugs.

Maybe reading or hearing these stories will change their thinking to never attempt this experience or to stop their own experience in addiction.

An addict, a child of God, a Christian,

Phillip Lee