Today I wake each morning, amazed at the simple ability to wake up. Able to watch and remember what each day brings. It wasn’t always like this. During the many years of actively using and abusing drugs there were so many times I was in a complete daze.

Then there were other times when I was in a complete blackout, not being able to remember anything during the hours of the blackouts. Some lasting more than only hours. Some lasted days, weeks and even months.

Folks are often asking me if I remember this or that specific event, which happened during some of these times. Some, I do. Some of them, however, I don’t, no matter how important it may have been or how hard I try. To me, it’s as if some of these things never really happened. Yet, I know from conversations with others and even evidence and proof that most of those things did happen. I can’t explain that feeling to you. It isn’t good though.

That’s about all I can actually explain of the feeling of not being able to recall many of the events in those times during those years. It is a puzzle, just as this ability to write about my experience is a puzzle. I mean I never liked writing and English in high school or college. In fact, I hated it. I wasn’t good at it then and not great at it now, but at least I do have the ability to do so. Must have come directly from Christ himself. He’s the only one I know who can perform miracles, even in an old fool like me.

I’ve lost weeks that I will never get back. In those times I could have done something extremely harmful to someone. In fact, there is one that I did hurt during one of those times. I will get to that in a later story. But the things I’m talking about at the moment are things like driving.

I could have caused a major accident. I could have caused many major accidents in 17 years, causing injuries and deaths to many. If these things would have happened during a blackout, I would still not remember them, to this very day. That’s one of the things that still infuriates me.

I think of all the thousands of lives I’ve endangered over seventeen years. I wasn’t only driving under the influence. I was driving wasted! So wasted in fact that I would at times pass out while in a drive-thru at restaurants. Or worse, I would pass out in the center of major intersection.

I’ve driven wasted, so many miles through the years in which I still have no memory, yet I still know I drove them because others telling me stories of many of those times. For all of those times. For each and every moment in which I endangered others in this way, I am sorry. I will forever regret those actions, actions in which I am responsible for. Memory or no memory!

I remember a story from a few years ago. I was sitting there, next to my now estranged wife. It was Thanksgiving. We were sitting on a love seat at her parents’ house. Our children were there. All of her immediate family were there as well. I guess they had a good time. I mean great family and good food. Yes, I’m sure they did. But then I think now, of how I was then and I’m sure, even though nothing was said to me, that they were all quietly in amazing disgust with me. They had to be. I mean I do remember sitting there, on that love seat after we had finished eating and were winding down the celebration of the holiday.

Now watch this, and you will see why they had to be so disgusted with me because they had to know I was completely wasted. In front of all those amazing children and in front of those great family members, themselves.

Looking over at my wife, I leaned over and said, we should probably go home and try to rest. Tomorrow is Black Friday and we need to leave early to go Christmas shopping. I’ll guarantee that in the moment of those words being spoken quietly to her, that her mind was blown away.

She looked at me with the eyes of a crushed heart and ask me; Phillip, are you serious? I remember watching as the tears began to roll down her cheek. She had to be embarrassed, ashamed, annoyed, hurt and shocked. After a few moments of sitting there in silence she looked over and asked again; are you really serious Phillip.

She lead me into the kitchen, where I could see the meal being prepared. She then lead me into the living room where the gifts were around the Christmas tree. She proceed to lead me outside where we both lit a cigarette. I needed it because I couldn’t figure out what was going on. She needed one to calm down before all of this drove her insane. Are you confused? Well, stay with me, I am about to unravel this whole mess.

We were sitting there smoking a cigarette. She asks me, now Phillip, do you know what day it is. I was lost for words; now I was really confused. She told me that it was Christmas Eve. She told me of all the times we had went shopping in the last month. She proceeded by telling that I drove all of those times except one. One trip to a city two hours away. Three trips, one hour away to a city south of here. And two trips to a city an hour away north of my home town. I was in disbelief so she pulled receipts from her purse of many of the places we had gone during the prior month.

Asking one more time, she said, now do you know what day it is. I told her; according to all the receipts with dates on them, and according to what I am seeing inside, under the Christmas tree, and according to all you are saying I guess it’s like you said. I guess it’s Christmas Eve. So I’ll go with that answer.

Over the next few days, as my mind began to somewhat clear up, the realization of the fact that I had been in a blackout state for a month was starting to set in. One month, two memories. That’s it! I was sitting on that loveseat. Next memory, one month later, again sitting on that same love seat, in the very same spot.

I was functioning during all of the situations within that month with no memory, to this day. It’s amazing that I didn’t cause great harm to someone on the roads or somewhere else during that time. I still wonder, what great moments with my family that occurred during that month. Moments of which I will never get back.

Sure wish I had never even tried getting high the first time. Then all of time from then to now would have been worry free from the second time and so on. Because without the first there can be no second. Had this been the case, there would have been no 17 years in active addiction.

Had to have an angel watching over me all this time. An angel from God himself. Today I’m so grateful that Christ saw me through it all. And even more grateful that He has given me new life and the opportunity to complete the task on this earth in which I was assigned before I was even in my mother’s womb.

Please don’t struggle through this life alone as I did for so long. You don’t have to for a second. You can receive Christ in your life, picking up and baring your cross. Use the knowledge gained to help those still suffering from the same experiences in life that you have had.

If you are an addict and you are still alive, then Christ is already showing you favor. Realize it, accept it and start anew. It’s a pretty good life on this side of addiction.

An addict, a child of God, a Christian,

Phillip Lee