Using Dreams! Ever had them? I have! I’m going to tell you now they are torture. So much so they should be called, “demon possessed” night terrors. Those of you who are recovering from drug addiction or who have had periods of clean time in the past know exactly what I’m referring to.

For me, I’d literally rather be dead than to ever pick up and start using and abusing the dangerous substances I used to use. I’m serious! This is no exaggeration what so ever.

If I am ever seen or know to fall back into abusing drugs again then those who see me can be assured that right there is a man who would definitely rather be dead then to live like he is. In stating that one fact, I will tell you using dreams are that intense to the addict. I would almost rather be dead then to ever have another using dream.

For those of you who don’t have a clue as to what I am saying when I say, ‘using dreams’. These are a very intense, life like, experience that I wish upon no one, ever! Here is a comparison; let’s say you are happy and living well, doing things right and good to the best of your ability.

Let’s say you have everything seemingly going your way. Now maybe you don’t feel bad and you think you’re right on track, but its time for a check up at the doctor. You go to the doctor and find you have cancer.

ll that you are, all that you ever wanted to do or accomplish in life is put on hold and you start to realize the hold may very well be indefinite. You spend a few months or even a year trying everything to beat that cancer. You even get to the point of thinking, what’s the use? Or I’m tired of fighting, but you keep on, someway beyond your own power.

You go to the doctor for another check up and he tells you that your cancer is in remission, and you are going to recover completely. Now, another 6 months have passed. You’re feeling really good; you are told the cancer is gone. You’re living with new hope, a new peace and in an entirely new level of drive in life that you didn’t have a clue existed before.

You wake up to your family, friends and all that you love and adore and you are beyond happy. Then suddenly, you collapse, coughing up blood, skin turning a purplish gray, you are rushed to the hospital and the doctor confirms your cancer is full blown and nothing can be done. You are told you might live through the night, or only for the next couple of hours.

This is how intense a using dream is. You think your doing good, working on your addiction, working on yourself and working on a better life for you and others. You know you are in a life or death battle everyday. Then, BOOM!!! You used again. You feel like such a failure. It’s as if you are being forced by something to take the drug. While you are sitting there screaming to yourself, please don’t. You start sweating, crying, and hoping some way that you die right then. Right there so you don’t have to face the future, or the consequences of your unintended failure.

You don’t ever want to face the ones who truly care for you because you know they are going to see you failed. Plus, you know your going to start seeing and experiencing things that are not real. You know your start doing things that aren’t normal behavior. So as with the cancer patient after a tough fight, you fell like giving up.

Now, I know some of you think you cannot compare addiction to cancer or other serious illnesses like that. Ok, tell that to the addict who is going through the worst experience of their life, a real live or die battle.

Tell that to the one who is recovering from addiction and has been clean for several months or years, who know they are still in the fight of there life. Tell it to the ones who lost there battle with addiction. You can find them at the cemetery lying right next to the ones who have died from cancer.

Now, all the sudden your hands are dripping wet from sweat, your face is soaked with tears. Your heart is beating, seemingly out of your chest, you are completely out of breath, and you are worn out tired. Your mind is shot and you know the true meaning of the word, Failure!

Now, just as all hope is lost, just as you give up completely and just as you know you have nothing left. Your eyes are open, you wake up. Still feeling that what you just experienced really happened. I mean, you’re out of breath, your heart is racing, hair and hands are soaked and dripping with sweat.

Your whole mind and body are tired; your eyes are over flowing with tears. And your soul is shattered.

Every time this happens, which is pretty often, it is physically and spiritually draining. A couple of weeks ago it happened twice to me. It’s probably happened at least 75 or 80 times since I have been in recovery. It takes at least an hour or two every time after waking to get my head straight again.

It’s definitely not as with other dreams and I simply think that was a dream. It takes time, self convincing proof in the mind, and justification to be convinced that what I just experienced was indeed just a dream.

Often that proof can not even begin to be comprehended until the tears have dried and my body and mind has started to recoup from the experience and I dry your hands and hair.

Drug addiction is intense and severe on every level all the time. That’s exactly why my higher power, Jesus Christ-the only true God, carries me at times. He knows I cannot

walk this alone, and he knows there are times I can not even stand alone. The greatest thing for me is the fact that I know I no longer even go into battle in addiction alone.

An addict, a child of God, a Christian,

Phillip Lee