To be honest, for years, I’ve been praying for this day to come to fruition in my life. For 20 years, I have been struggling with drugs, the addiction to them and the consequences and repercussions of the life of active addiction. In that time, I have experienced more turmoil and pain than most “normal people” could fathom.

I’ve woken from pain so intense that I would pray and cry to die. I’ve been so sick and delusional in many episodes during active addiction that I would see devils and demons. The torment and agony from withdrawals would often be so intense that I was willing to do whatever it took to calm those thoughts — that sickness, and all the pain.

I’ve experienced little to no peace over the last 20 years, until now. And today I am so blessed to have the peace, comfort and serenity that I have.

It’s taken much work and many realizations of the person behind the addiction, ME. Today, I am truly in love with life itself. For the first time in 20 years I can proudly say that I have had zero cravings for any of the drugs of my choice for more than seven months.

That alone blows my mind, because my last clean stint of time lasted for more than a year and a half, and from the beginning, 20 years ago, through the last run of clean time I did have constant cravings. I often wrote about them in past writings.

Before, during times of abstinence from using drugs, I would often pray and ask why I still had those horrid cravings, thinking I was foolishly going to be relieved through prayer alone.

The one absolute, of all things I was doing wrong in trying to stay clean, came from this belief. Doing nothing and expecting my higher power to do it all was actually an insane way of thinking and even believing. I know I stayed clean last time through God’s will alone, and I know it’s God’s will for me to have come to where I am today, in order to teach me and show me all the things I needed to know in order to stand on my own two feet. I have found in doing that, that God leads and guides my path. In a very, very peaceful and even profound manner.

You see, God did carry me for a long while, but as I was sitting there, often fighting an internal drive to feed my addiction, I was doing nothing more than fighting those cravings.

Many times I would force myself to sit in the place I would be at the time until the craving passed. There was no complete and eternal feeling of peace. The moments of peace and calm that I had before would often be a mere glimmer or glimpse in time.

Now that I have learned what I have so far about this disease and how to properly treat it, I am truly amazed at the inner peace and freedom from that bondage. I am actually excited to see what is to come in the future as I learn even more.

I had a dream of starting a sober living home for men, and another for women, in my home community a year or two ago. That is still an even more intense dream of mine,today, to help those looking and wanting to learn a new way of life in my home town and community.

Perhaps that can be a dream realized one day, but for now I am happy helping those at this place adjust to learning a program for themselves, learning how to grasp the peace I feel every day through working my 12-step program, which was designed explicitly to reach a spiritual realm of existence with a power greater than ourselves. The one I choose to call: God!

If you are sitting there and feeling alone like there is no hope for you, a family member or friend, I’m here to tell you there is hope. The very best possible outcome is for you to realize you may have a drug problem and you need help.

I promise there is no shame in asking for help in treating your disease. That comes from doing nothing about it. There are now laws in place that allows the courts to order treatment for a suffering loved one. Research yourself or ask your local state or county attorney about Casey’s Law. It may be an important option to saving the life of your child, parent or other loved one who is suffering from addiction. It is helping many.

A recovering addict,

Phillip Lee